you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We were destined to go to rehab together
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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