I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize