I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
