I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
God I need to hump something, right now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
