I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
