No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
