i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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