OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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