my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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