At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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