When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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