im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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