As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
only you would photoshop your dick
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
