Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
