I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
