you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
