I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
