Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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