Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
