If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
