i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
