I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
