well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
