is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
