You're my little dorito
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
