For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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