You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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