I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
4 words: hood of his car
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
