Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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