i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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