I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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