is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
