I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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