oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
