i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
