Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
