dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
