I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Drunk is not a location!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
