He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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