He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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