Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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