Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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