Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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