Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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