how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
