When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
