Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
