Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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