And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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