I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
