Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
