Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
