direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
