You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Randomize
