also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
