While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
