At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
