What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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