I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
