Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
