Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
