You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
