hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
