Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
