you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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