we have pet lesbian snakes
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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