i don't like sucking hair
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
