ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
