my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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