My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
